Grieving heart

Hello Readers,

It has been a while as been I’ve had tough couple of months, This will be a tough topic as everyone go through grief some point in their lives. My Nan lost her battle with Pancreatic cancer, on 7th April 2018, I didn’t find out how bad it was 9 days before she passed as Nan rang me to tell me that she in hospice and I knew in a second that it was bad.  I would spend nearly everyday at the hospice just to spend as much with her and make last moments with her.

I was very close to her, Nan wasn’t just my grandmother, She was my best friend, like a mother to me, my rock, my inspirational, my guardian angel.

My Nan brought me up first 8 years of my life. they were the happiest times of my life, as I would go to places with her and made so many memories even though my mother, is a jealously person she didn’t like the fact I was close with her that why she stopped the contact with my Nan and caused so much trouble with alot of people and myself, this is why I don’t speak to her.

I’m struggling with the grief as I’m missing my Nan so much, been having many days where I want to be reunited with her. Truth is I feel lost without her, Its like a part of me been took away and find it hard to cope the pain knowing she isn’t here anymore.

I just wish I could see her one more time, hug me so tight and tell me everything will be okay. I miss her giving me advice, miss our fortnightly lunch and shopping, miss her being there when I’m really ill, I miss her helping me out as she understood my needs, I miss her for believing in myself even though I struggling to believe in myself.

I’ve always looked up to her as she understood me very well, we did have our moments where we didn’t talk but we would patch things up. I would do anything to bring her home again.

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My nan was well loved, caring, down to heart, traditional and would do anything for people.

There not a day, I don’t think of her and listen to her favourite songs but I will do my hardest to keep her memory alive.

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My Nana R.I.P 1947-2018 x x

People say grieving gets easier in time but i feel like its getting worse right now but I’ll get there eventually.

It took me good over two hours to write this as I struggled what to write.

It has been over a year since I’ve made this blog, I’m surprised I’ve kept it going to be honest.

 

with love,you_doodle_2017-05-16t20_15_31z

Life in a wheelchair.

Hey everyone,

I thought of doing a post about this last couple of weeks what is it like being a wheelchair as I’ve been in a wheelchair from 2 years old, as I got Cerebral Palsy – Spastic Diplegia . I have a love and hate relationship for being in a wheelchair for nearly 23 years, I do have fun times also bad times too. I have fell out many times and would laugh it off but people in public seem to worry think i’ll need to get checked out but really all I have bruises and small cuts.

I want to mainly to talk about the questions I would get asked by people when I go out in the public

‘is it fun being in a wheelchair?’

‘i wish i was able to sit down not having walk anywhere’

‘ can you have sex even though your legs don’t work?’

‘can you not feel your legs?

I don’t mind kids asking me as they don’t understand as their young but with teenagers and adults, duh how stupid they can be really be as their billion of people in the world have disabilities there are visible and invisible ones.

We all can have sex, we just do it in different ways as we all humans have needs and there are disabled parents out there too.

It isn’t always fun being in a wheelchair as when there repairs doing to them you are likely to be housebound or needing somebody to help them. It easier for you to walk without hassle. It can be so frustrating not able to go anywhere independently. It nice you get free parking space if you have a permit.

One thing it really pisses me off when people stare at me like I’m the only one they ever seen when their a billion of people in the world

been in a right rant mood recently I thought I do a post on this as it’s really powerful.

I hope you like my post if you want to see more just click subscribe, I’ll appreciate  it.

with love,

you_doodle_2017-05-16t20_15_31z

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018.

Hello Everyone,

I hope you all had a great christmas and a new year.

It has been a good few months last time I’ve posted as my mental health haven’t been the best. I had a bad time recently as my manual wheelchair castor came off which I only had it for less than 6 months, still waiting for it to be repaired especially with it being the festive period, the joys being a wheelchair user.

I found out last month somebody I love dearly got cancer, It was hard to accept it first but i will support somebody to kick cancer arse. I’m going to apply the Manchester Half Marathon which is in October. I always wanted to do a marathon since I  was 11 year old and do it for a good cause Macmillan Cancer Support  or Cancer Research UK. I will defiantly will be using my manual often when its repaired and get my arm strength stronger for the marathon.

I haven’t thought about any new year resolutions as I know for a fact I will fail them all, but I know It be another year focusing on myself, make healthy choices (from tomorrow), exercise more often, try my best to think positive (I struggle with this), hopefully i will start physio some point and hopefully I’ll pass my maths and english in summer time.

I had good few memories in 2017 I will never forget –

  • My unicorn tattoo

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    my unicorn tattoo
  •  Beauty and the Beast tattoo21558697_10155380448575971_7918304000927261410_n
  • When I dressed as Belle for Halloween23213396_10155495095825971_8266828415031166286_o
  • Went to Liverpool in September to meet my Idol Tess Holliday (pictures in my last post)
  • I travelled to London on my own it was a great experience
  • Went to see my 2 of my relatives from Birmingham in August with my Dad and sister

I’m really hoping I will do more blog posts, videos and more travelling this year as I’m still young trying to live my life independently.

I hope you all have a safe and peaceful  2018 also don’t give up on your dreams.

funny new year quotes

With love,

 

you_doodle_2017-05-16t20_15_31z

 

Self Love journey

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything as I have been busy and done alot of thinking, I am going to discuss about self love.

I’ve always struggled to believe in myself ever since I remember, when I was growing up I went through a lot of abuse, even my mother would put me down quite often for being a big girl and having other issues.

Recently I’m trying to Self Love as I always put everyone else before myself as I like to please people and try my hardest to make them happy. I need to learn I never be a size 8 no matter what how many diets I go, seeing plus size models boosts my confidence and not feeling alone knowing we all come different sizes.

It was a pleasure meeting one of my inspirations Tess Holliday  last month, seeing her makes me accept the fact you don’t need to be a size 8 to be happy and everyone can wear whatever their want even be naked if they wanted.

 

It was actually one of the best days of my life meeting people who are different sizes, I didn’t want the day to end.

 

I’m on a journey to put myself first, focus on my dreams and learn to think positive more often. I go to a support group for survivors every fortnight until February. Hopefully I’ll be a stronger, happier and confident person in next 5 months.

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If people can’t accept and love for who you are, they don’t belong in your life for a reason.

I hope you like my posts, if you do please follow for me, I will appreciate it and will mean alot to me.

 

With Love,you_doodle_2017-05-16t20_15_31z

Why I want to lose weight?

Hello everyone,

It has been a good few weeks the last time I wrote a blog post. Well I can say I’ve been busy playing on my PS4 especially on grand theft auto and just dance (helping me to get exercise in my life).

Normally I would do my blog posts on my IPad, somehow it got robbed as UK had a really hot day 3 weeks ago and I was out for the day but I forgot I’ve left my bedroom window opened too also my old laptop got stolen too, I had to buy a new one which I’m lucky I got the money to get one.

Anyways I don’t want to bore you as I’m meant to tell why I want to lose weight. Well I always had a weight problem even when I was a kid. I love food too much, who doesn’t? To be honest I’ve been trying to keep it off for last 2 and half years since I’ve got diagnosed with diabetes type 2 as it runs in my mothers side of family,  I don’t need metformin to control it since march 2016 as I done my best to change my eating habits also I have to go for a every 6 months blood test to check hows everything.

Well it has been a struggle to keep it off as last year I had really bad depression as I put weight back on,  been trying to stick on diet since mid January this year. It has been like a rollercoaster but I’m so determined to lose more weight as I’m going away to Benidorm in November which I want to be a UK size 14. I’m nearly getting back to a UK size 16, that where I was a year ago.

Right now I’m trying to control my calories and do exercises like doing just dance and going swimming also sometimes push around a bit my manual chair, that’s why I got a fitbit so I can track my calories.

Really want to able love my body and accept the fact I’m not a size 8 but I will have some chubbiness on my body as my goal is to be a UK size 12-14.

One day there will be somebody will accept me for who I am, I just need to focus on myself at the moment.

With love,you_doodle_2017-05-16t20_15_31z

 

Manchester Attack 

Hello everyone,

I really needed to talk about this as UK had one of the worst massacre in history especially it happened in Manchester as I live 20 minutes away. All the young people who went to see their idol Ariana grande on Monday night it should have been one of their best nights of their life.

It has took 22 young innocent lives away when they had their life ahead of them , it’s upsetting knowing they should have gone home to their families safely and talking about how much they enjoyed the night. It’s heartbreaking knowing somebody would want to kill young victims for anger when they done nothing wrong.

Seriously there so much hate in the world it’s unreal I do wish there was peace, no wars and no revenge. Power causes problems.

As 2017 the world should be amazing place to  live but there so much hate and evilness especially it has been going on for 1000s & 1000s years
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R.I.P to the young people have lost their lives in a horrible attack

Also hope the ones are injuried will recover.

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It was amazing to see people from the UK and greater Manchester actually helped and support everyone

I can say I’m proud to be from greater Manchester even thought it can be a shithole at times but it’s our home end of the day ❤️🇬🇧🙏
With love,

Mental Health 

Hello everyone, 

I’m going to talk about mental health as I suffer with depression, I was going to talk about it last week but I was having a up and down week.

I’ve suffer depression ever since I’ve remember that when I was a 12 year old, I remember when I started to feel worthless, unwanted and not wanted to be alive. I struggled with high school as I was getting picked on for the way I look, the weight, my disability and the way I am also I had many issues at home nobody knew what was going on as I couldn’t escape from my problems.

The only thing would help me escape from reality is listening to MUSIC.

No child or teenager shouldn’t have to go through many issues especially abuse when it should have been a good childhood.

I would speak to other teenagers online especially on website makers or YouTube even people I’ve met on holidays I could able to myself on msn messenger and cheer me up.

At 15 i started to self harm when I did it at the time it felt good to ease the pain I was feeling at the time. I would cover it all p wearing jackets and long sleeve tops so nobody noticed it. I’ve struggled on and off for self harming for good 8 years I haven’t thought of self harming for good 6 months.

Last year I was in a bad place as I thought about my past, worthless, ugly. I felt everything would be okay when I got in touch with my dad this time last year, but weeks into getting to know my dad everything hit me like a tonne of bricks, what  I went through which I though I deserved at the time.

I end up having counselling last October which it was as I had 12 sessions also the counsellor was amazing able to help me think differently. I will admit I did struggle at first 6 weeks as I would burst into tears when I had to talk about everything but it got easier towards to end as I accepted I didn’t deserve the abuse.

Now I can handle things better and let go of my past as I know it wasn’t my fault. I’m in a better place having my dad, Nan and good friends to be there for me when I need them. I do have my good, bad and ugly days but I know some people don’t agree with antidepressants but it really has helped me as I’m on 100mg sertraline a day. I’ll admit I will scared to go off them incase I go back in a bad place again even though I’m in a better place.

One day I’ll love to help vulnerable young people and disabilities who don’t have it easy abs need somebody to talk to, I want to be a youth worker, counsellor or mentor.

With love,

You_Doodle_2017-05-16T20_15_31Z